The Eldest Daughter.

“Every eldest daughter

Was the first lamb to the slaughter

So we all dressed up as wolves and we looked fire” [...]

I used to think that I was so good, I was born a perfectionist, and that my mission in life was to make my loved ones happy. I would never disappoint them no matter what. But what I did not know, in reality, was that I had the eldest daughter syndrome. I grew up with lots of expectations from my family. I was (and always have been) a smart kid. I act so maturely they say, tend to overthink everything, and the last thing I wanted to do is to disappoint others. The first time I crashed my bike was while turning a corner. I was 10 years old. I was in pain, my knee bled so much, and I got my biggest scar on my body until this day. That time, I did not tell my parents. I simply thought I could take care of it myself. The expectation of me being a perfect child has been there forever.

It pretty much sums up my childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents so much. And I know one thing for sure, they have sacrificed a lot of things in their life so I had my best education, best meals, best support system if I ever needed it. The only problem was that their value system and mine were never heading in the same direction.

How cute I was in a red dress, short hair which I did not really like. I guess I made my parents happy by taking that picture back then. :-) not regretting it.

At the age of 22, when I started building my life half the world away from them, I faced the reality - despite how much I love them, and vice versa - it was an ugly truth that I had all the forms of the eldest daughter syndrome. And until this day, I still suffer from some. For the last 8 years, I’ve made so much effort to gradually grow out of it, but it was not easy. I found it very difficult every time I debated over the call with mom - thinking that those are part of a very tiny fraction of my life that I’ve got to spend with her, face-to-face. And I don’t really want to spend all of it fighting. So, most of the time, I will try to negotiate, I will compromise. 

I’m capable of many things, and I know I’m really good at doing lots of things - and this sometimes makes it worse. I can be so strong, and stumble through all the challenges and hardship that life could throw at me, with my loved ones knowing nothing about it. But you know, it kills me softly, every single time I have a thought: “if I was a bad kid from the beginning, maybe it was not that tiring.”

In my first few years studying and living abroad, I had a hard time setting the right boundaries. I said yes to almost everything I got asked, because the eldest daughter character was there, so strong that I made everyone around me happy. 

When my labmates and colleagues give me compliments, something like: “Wow, you’re very well prepared, you have everything taken care of—perfect!” I often joked that if they were born the eldest daughter in an Asian family, this perfection was nothing, it would be as precious as the fresh air, but no one would notice it. 

Now, at the age of 31, I’m still working on moving on from my eldest daughter character that has been there for most of my life on earth. I’ve learned to set boundaries, live the life I want, and do things I really care about. It was not an easy process, but slow progress is still progress.

So, mom and dad, I’m still your eldest daughter, and I still love you so much, but I’m no longer your perfect daughter - I’m simply just your happy eldest daughter. <3 

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And if you’re also the eldest daughter (or second, or third) in your family, and if you happen to have a somewhat similar story like me, I want to send you a virtual hug—I see you and feel you.

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And here are a few things I grab from my reading off the internet when learning about the syndrome, for those who haven’t realized them yet, and best of luck getting it off your shoulders.

Eldest Daughter Syndrome comes in many forms. Here are some, according to experts:

• You feel overly responsible for people.

• You have people-pleasing tendencies.

• You worry a lot or experience high anxiety.

• You seek external validation.

• You feel resentful toward your siblings or parents.

• You have a difficult time setting and maintaining boundaries.

• You are a “type-A” personality and an overachiever who puts a lot of pressure on yourself to succeed.

• You experience feelings of guilt.

• You took on a larger share of household roles in childhood.

• You are afraid of getting in trouble or breaking the rules.

• You put pressure on yourself to achieve traditional markers of success (like being married by a certain age, having a high-paying job, or having children).